Portfolio Panic Attacks

A shirt for those who check their brokerage app at 3 a.m. and immediately regret it. The diversification strategy seemed sound at the time. Your therapist agrees. Your portfolio does not.

Perfect for wearing to family dinners where someone inevitably asks how your investments are performing, and you've perfected the art of changing the subject while maintaining eye contact. The fabric is soft enough to cry into discreetly.

Pairs well with a second mortgage you don't technically need and a recurring sense that you've made some fundamental error in your asset allocation that will only become apparent in retrospect.

Unisex heavyweight tee. Runs true to size.